How to Handle Defensive Coworkers (Without Making It Worse)

Remember that post about toxic culture being about what people can't do? Well, here's what happens when someone finally can't handle feedback anymore.

You give a colleague gentle feedback and they shut down completely. You suggest a process improvement and suddenly you're the enemy. You ask a clarifying question and they act like you personally attacked their competence. Sound familiar? Defensive coworkers are everywhere and our instinct to "fix" their defensiveness usually makes everything worse.

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Here's what actually works:

1. Handle Your Own Emotions First (The 3-Second Reset)

When someone gets defensive, your brain screams "FIGHT OR FLIGHT!" Don't listen to it.

Try this instead:

• Acknowledge: "I'm feeling frustrated right now"
• Validate: "That's normal when conversations get tense"
• Act: "What matters most is finding a solution together"

This takes 3 seconds and prevents you from saying something you'll regret. Because the moment you get defensive about their defensiveness? Game over.

2. Get Curious About Their Fear

Defensive people aren't trying to be difficult. They're trying to protect themselves from something that feels threatening.

Instead of thinking: "Why are they being so unreasonable?"

Try: "What are they afraid of here?"

Maybe they're scared of looking incompetent. Or being blamed. Or losing control. When you shift from judgment to curiosity, everything changes—including your tone of voice.

3. Use Strategic Vulnerability

This sounds scary but it's simpler than you think. Share something small and human that levels the playing field.

Instead of: "You need to be more open to feedback"

Try: "I made a similar mistake last month and felt terrible about it. These things happen—let's figure out how to move forward."

You're not oversharing your life story. You're just reminding them that you're both human beings trying to do good work.

4. Plan Your Difficult Conversations

If you know someone tends to get defensive, don't wing it.

Before your next challenging conversation:

• Write out your main point clearly (no corporate jargon!)
• Give them a genuine compliment within 24 hours beforehand
• Ask them about something they care about (their project, their weekend, their dog)
• Then make your request simply and directly

You're essentially pressing the reset button on your relationship before introducing anything challenging.

The real insight? Most workplace defensiveness isn't about ego—it's about safety. When people feel psychologically safe, they stop performing and start collaborating.

And sometimes the difference between a "difficult" colleague and a great teammate is just one person who knows how to navigate defensiveness without taking it personally.

What if the next time someone got defensive, you got curious instead?

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